


First to Die

by somerandomonline



Series: first to die [1]
Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Angst, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, new day same story
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-29
Updated: 2020-06-29
Packaged: 2021-03-02 23:13:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,369
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24434902
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/somerandomonline/pseuds/somerandomonline
Summary: So, the title is from Rainbow Kitten Surprise's 'Cold Love' (It's second nature to love you, but it's first to die). It's inspired by HamishMcCat's "I've been facing this alone for much too long" which I have butchered beyond recognition. CW for depression, mental health issues, unhealthy coping mechanisms, you know the deal. Thanks for reading!
Relationships: Aziraphale & Crowley (Good Omens), Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens)
Series: first to die [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1807834
Comments: 4
Kudos: 19





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [I've Been Facing This Alone For Much Too Long](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23884258) by [HamishMcCat](https://archiveofourown.org/users/HamishMcCat/pseuds/HamishMcCat). 



Aziraphale remembered every word of the last conversation with Crowley. It wasn’t surprising; Crowley, the poor thing, had loved him for eons. And Aziraphale was… Aziraphale. Once the appeal of the forbidden had vanished, of course Crowley had left. Everyone knew what ‘I need to find myself after loving you for so long’ really meant - Aziraphale wasn’t that oblivious. 

But it still _hurt_. Crowley leaving had clearly been for the best, but all Aziraphale could think of was the hollow feeling in his chest. 

_You see, this is why he left. Look at you, thinking of yourself, as usual. Honestly, at this rate even your customers will notice something is wrong, and you’ve caused enough worry. Get it together, angel._

When Crowley arrived at the bookshop, the lights were off. This was odd, but not too unusual. The strange thing was that he couldn’t feel any sign of Aziraphale’s presence. Well, it was possible Aziraphale had gone traveling, and Crowley hadn’t called before coming over. He scribbled out a note before leaving, already thinking of how _thrilled_ his neighbors would be to see him again. He’d be back in a few days, anyways.

Three days later, there was still no sign of Aziraphale. That was when Crowley began to worry.

On occasion, Aziraphale wondered if he should go back. He never gave it any real consideration, and it faded away as everything else did.

It had been a year since Crowley had last seen Aziraphale, and he was scared. Aziraphale hadn’t been to the shop in months, and as hard as Crowley looked, he couldn’t find any hints of his presence. All the times they’d rescued each other were times when they had been in the same country, at least. They could sense each other, but only from so far away. It had been a year since Crowley had seen Aziraphale, and he was getting desperate.

If anyone had asked, Aziraphale would have said he enjoyed his travels, and it was mostly true; he couldn’t recall anything truly bad, as he couldn’t recall most of the past year. 

Of course, no one had asked. There were miracles for that.

A month later, Crowley found his angel on top of a windswept mountaintop no one had ever bothered to name. He sat down next to Aziraphale, putting a hand on his angel’s shoulder.

“Hello, Crowley”

“Long time no see, angel”

Aziraphale looked much the same, without a hair out of place. But he was so quiet. Normally, they talked for hours after being apart for any significant length of time.

“So, what have you been up to? I popped by the bookshop, and you hadn’t been there in a while”

“I’ve been helping, mostly. Blessings and similar. But I didn’t think you’d go to the bookshop - I would have left a note”

“I told you I’d come back, Aziraphale”

“I’m not stupid, Crowley. I know what letting someone down easy is. And while I appreciate the effort, it is unnecessary. Good day” Aziraphale turned to leave, but was stopped by Crowley’s hand on his arm.

“Angel, what? I meant what I said completely literally. I was always going to come back”

“Why would you?” Aziraphale’s voice held a hint of anger, and it was only then Crowley realized how flat his voice had been.

“I’ve loved you for eons, Aziraphale. I could never leave you. I’ve been looking for you for six months. What happened?”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The long awaited sequel. I'll finish this soon lmao

_What happened?_

Aziraphale didn’t know if he wanted to laugh or cry. What happened was that for as long as he had been on Earth, nothing he did mattered. What happened was that no matter how much he slept, he felt exhausted. What happened was that he’d sacrificed so much, and no one seemed to care.

_What happened_ was that Crowley had realized this, and left. One step forward, two backwards. Leave, and pity dragged you back.

Crowley was still waiting for an answer. Aziraphale shrugged.

“Nothing has happened, my dear”

“Really? Because I talked to the people around here, and they said you’ve barely said a word in months. You haven’t looked at me once, and haven’t been to the bookshop in months. Something happened, angel. Just tell me how I can help. Please”

“I’m just tired, dearest”

“Bullshit. I know when-”

“Honestly, why are you even asking? You left, Crowley! What did you think happened?”

“I was coming back! You know I wouldn’t leave you!”

“You’re a good person, Crowley” Aziraphale gave him a watery smile, and Crowley felt his heart sink.

“Aziraphale, please. Let’s go back home and talk there”

“I won’t impose any more, dear. I’ve -”

“You aren’t imposing, I’m inviting you! For the - wait. Angel, what did you do?” Aziraphale shrugged. Crowley grabbed his arm before miracling them both back to his flat. 

“Loving you was never hard, Crowley. It was the second easiest thing I ever did”

“Angel, love. Aziraphale, please. What did you do?” 

“Don’t bother, Crowley. It’s okay, really”

“Angel?” Crowley _looked_ at Aziraphale, really, for the first time in ages. Aziraphale’s soul was pale and diffused, growing weaker by the moment. Crowley shook his head, fighting back tears.

“No, angel. Please. No, no, don’t go. Please” He pulled Aziraphale into an embrace, tears rolling down his face.

“It’s okay, love. You don’t have to pretend anymore” Aziraphale’s voice was quiet, with notes of what may have been relief. Aziraphale’s eyes closed, his head falling on Crowley’s shoulder.

“Angel?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so tired lmao.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> yeah, the unhealthy coping mechanisms are real. stay safe

The first time was in Sumer, under the summer sun and cloudless sky. Aziraphale had known the epidemic was demonic since he had seen the first victim. Three days later, he was pasting on a smile and knocking on a demon’s door. Not Crawly, though that would have been infinitely preferable. Aziraphale had barely taken a step onto the opulent property when he was hit by a wave of power that sent him to the ground. He summoned his sword just in time to get it knocked from his hand by another pulse of magic. Aziraphale pulled himself up, searching for his opponent. He didn’t have to look hard - the demon was standing only a few yards away, preparing another spell.

“Stop! I just want you to leave the villagers in peace! There’s no need to -” The next blow was stronger, less haphazard, and Aziraphale felt parts of himself burn. Aziraphale unfolded his wings and attacked. The demon fought doggedly, but Aziraphale was faster, and soon enough he saw the panic drain from the demon’s eyes as they discorporated. Aziraphale sighed, tired from more than the fight. He was about to leave when he noticed the cracked bottle laying a few feet away, radiating magic like a fire radiated heat. It was clearly the source of the plague, and as Aziraphale pondered, the cracks began to grow. 

Without thinking, Aziraphale absorbed the explosion of magic into himself, turning the curse’s power inward. He collapsed, waking to Gabriel shaking him.

“Aziraphale! Hey, buddy, great job with the demon. You did better than I thought, honestly. Oh, next time, don’t worry so much about the humans - absorbing the curse was noble, but we need a soldier more than the humans need a medic. Well, I gotta go, but great job! Almost as if you still had your sword” Aziraphale nodded distantly, and Gabriel left without another word.

Aziraphale’s head was pounding and his mouth tasted of blood, but it didn’t matter. His wounds, physical and immaterial, would heal. And finally, finally, he had done something right. If Aziraphale kept going, surely he would improve. Surely, he would be good. 

Centuries later, Aziraphale had improved. He could dispel curses much more quickly, and was even awarded a commendation or two. So, when he was recalled to Heaven in 1865, the fight with Crowley still in the back of his mind, he hoped his latest assignment would be delivered with respect, or at least play to his strengths. But, as he ascended the steps to find Gabriel waiting for him with characteristic disdain, he knew he wouldn’t be that lucky.

“Archangels, lovely to see you. What can I help you with?”

“Well, Micheal and I were thinking, you’ve been doing so well on Earth, so we thought we’d give you a more hands on experience, so to speak. Head to the East Wing, you’ll be given more details there”

Aziraphale nodded, feeling his heart race. It was probably a coincidence. The East Wing was used for more than punishment, and if he had done anything that would get him put in there, he would have been told long ago. It was nothing.

When Aziraphale left the East Wing hours later, his hands were shaking so badly he could barely sign the exit paperwork. The acrid scents of desecration and smoke seemed to follow him for days afterwards.

Almost a century later, Aziraphale was reading when a flash of light signaled the arrival of his newest assignment. Nothing unusual, just a few blessings and a report of possible demonic activity. If he hurried, he could have it done in a few hours.

Hours later, Aziraphale was looking at the entrance to a cave that, if he was right, housed a subtle but strong curse. It was something a more demonic version of Crowley might do, meant to induce a subtle sadness and despair to anyone within several hundred miles. Aziraphale could slowly dismantle it, which would be safe but take a long time. Or he could, as Heaven would say, beat the hell out of it. It would be faster, but Aziraphale wouldn’t leave whole. Demonic magic corroded angels’ souls like acid on paper, and the wounds were slow to heal. The smart thing to do would be to slowly destabilize the curse until it eventually disintegrated. But Aziraphale was tired, and it wasn’t like the curse would kill him. Besides, it was just pain. Nothing new.

When he turned in his next report, Aziraphale was sure Gabriel could see his injuries. But the archangel was silent, barely acknowledging Aziraphale once his report was received.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Explanations are made and revelations are had.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been 84 years. And there will be a sequel

Healing wasn’t one of Crowley’s many talents. Most demons couldn’t do it, and it had taken months for Aziraphale to teach Crowley, and even then, he was barely passable. But now, with Aziraphale’s soul shattered like a vase thrown against a wall, Crowley was praying that barely passable was enough. 

Aziraphale awoke, which was unexpected. He had thought his injuries were severe enough to preclude any chance of recovery. He turned his head, wincing at the residual soreness, and found himself face to face with Crowley. 

“Hello, dear”

“Angel” Crowley’s voice was soft, almost reverent, and Aziraphale blushed slightly.

“Well, I am happy to see you again, but -”

“Aziraphale, what the fuck happened?”

“Oh, nothing important. I’ve spent this past year focusing on helping others, the kinds of things Heaven should have been doing, and about a month in I found people who needed a … different kind of help. A lot of people need me, Crowley, and dispelling curses is dangerous. It was an accident, really. There’s no need to worry”

“Bullshit. I almost lost you, angel. I thought you were gone. And those injuries were more than physical” Crowley sat up, his eyes glowing faintly in the darkness of the flat. “Angel, what happened? 

For a moment, Crowley thought Aziraphale wouldn’t answer. If the angel didn’t tell him, Crowley would be left in the dark about what the problem was, and most importantly, how to fix it.

“As I’ve told you, I was injured trying to break multiple curses. I am grateful for your assistance, by the way. As for your other questions, I’ve been curse breaking for more than five thousand years, so some scars are to be expected. And I do have some exposure to popular culture, Crowley. I know what ‘I need to figure myself out’ means”

Crowley blinked, nearly falling off the bed in shock. 

“Six thousand years, and that’s the more you pick up? Okay, I know everyone says this, but I was being literal. I loved you so much there wasn’t room for anything else, and I think you felt the same. But we both know that never ends well, and one of us had to do something. But I loved you then and I love you now ” Aziraphale’s face brightened, and for a moment, Crowley thought they might be okay. 

“I love you, angel” Aziraphale gave him a sad smile and shook his head.

“No, you don’t”

Aziraphale saw Crowley’s face drop, and he frowned in confusion. Crowley should be feeling embarrassed and awkward and maybe a bit relieved, but not sad, shocked disbelief.

“Come on dear, I don’t want you to have to pretend. I understand if this is too awkward, but I will miss you if you leave. I do love you, but I know you can’t feel the same, dear, and it’s okay. That’s just life”

“Angel, I - what? I love you, I’m sure of it. I’m not pretending or trying to spare your feelings. I’ve known you for six thousand years, and I’ve loved you for five thousand of them”

“No, not really. I was the only permanent part of your life for millennia, so of course you love me, but you don’t _love_ me. Besides, look at me. You’re the best person I’ve ever met, and I’m … me. Say what you will about Heaven’s conditioning, but they were right. And even if you somehow don’t see it now, you will soon, and you’ll be stuck with me. And no one deserves that”

“Angel, none of that is true. You’re the best person here, and I do love you. Please, I’ll do whatever you want. Please” Crowley’s voice was filled with shock and unspilled tears. His heart was in his throat. 

“I’m afraid there’s nothing you can do, my dear. I’m quite convinced” Aziraphale had somehow managed to keep his tone calm throughout their conversation, and Crowley realized with a jolt that these kinds of thoughts were normal to him. There really was nothing he could say, and even if he could, Aziraphale wouldn’t listen.

Crowley leaned over and kissed him, and Aziraphale didn’t pull away.


End file.
